BREAKING: Donald Trump to Return to the WWE for a WrestleMania 34 Match
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BREAKING: The WWE has reached a deal with United States President Donald J. Trump in what was, until now, the best kept secret in the world of professional wrestling and presidential politics. The 45th President of the United States will take on WWE CEO Vince McMahon at WrestleMania 34 in the Battle of the Billionaires Too (the spelling comes direct from an official White House press release). This time the two geriatrics won't have someone else fight for them. They are intent on duking it out themselves. Don't expect this to be a one-off for the President either. The deal is reportedly a multi-year deal that also gives Trump part ownership of the WWE.
"We need new blood. Our ratings have become stagnant and our writing predictable. No one can predict what this man will do next. Go ahead and try; however, your attempts will prove futile. He is the craziest loose cannon since, well since me. He already has the most viewed Twitter account in the world. Imagine what this will do for the WWE's social media footprint. The President is, in three words, best for business"said Vince McMahon at a WWE phone conference late Saturday evening. The President had this to say,
"Being the President isn't at all what it's cracked up to be. A lot of golf. A lot of social media banter. Very boring stuff. My political opponents like to talk; but, when push comes to shove never get into the ring with me. Look at Rocket Man, look at Little Marco. A lot of talk; but, talk is cheap when you don't back it up with fists and my fists are the toughest fists. No one has fists like I do, just look at the size of these. Vince McMahon is in big trouble and I look forward to getting in that ring at WrestleMania and kicking Vince's ass."
The svelte McMahon replied,
"He'll have to get off the McDonalds for awhile to be able to compete in our ring."
After making several snide remarks about Kevin Owens' weight and immigration status, President Trump released the following photo from his most recent medical exam, proving that, despite a steady McDonald's based diet, he is in great ring shape.
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| Official medically released photo from President Trump's medical team |
Trump elaborated,
"The WWE has gone downhill since my first involvement with the company. Very bad, very very bad. Ratings have gone down, my ratings have always gone up. I had the most well attended inauguration in history; but, you don't know that because of fake news. Anyway, in the WWE, which should never have changed it's name by the way. If I was the head of the WWE that would have never happened. Vince is weak. I am strong. Now there are no more Hogans or Macho Mans. Very bad stuff and this Roman Reigns guy, where does he get off with that hair? Obviously a wig, right? Right now, I would put myself in the top 10 in the WWE as far as in-ring competitors."Reporters at the Trump press conference openly gasped in shock when the WWE Hall of Famer showed a rare sign of modesty in not declaring himself the number one in-ring wrestler. A reporter asked why he would only place himself in the top ten and a visibly upset Trump replied,
"I'm 71 f*cking years old."
The officially listed 6'5" Trump will be a tall order even for Vince McMahon, at this year's WrestleMania. When asked about his newfound height advantage Trump replied,
"Kids, Science is wrong. Don't believe what they tell you. You can grow inches. I have a lot of people praying for me and I've gotten taller since taking over for my predecessor, who never grew an inch while in the White House. Very short. Very little man."
The President is already a Vegas favorite in his upcoming WrestleMania 34 bout; but, that may have more to do with the mysterious selection of Boris Stravinsky as the match's referee than with the President's in-ring prowess. Little is known about Boris other than the fact that he is a former KGB agent and personal bodyguard of Russian President Vladimir Putin.
"Boris will do a very good job keeping things fair. Vince McMahon is biased and the WWE is so rigged. It's his company and we just have to ensure that things are done fairly; but, Boris is an honest, trustworthy family man. Believe me."
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| WrestleMania 34 Referee Boris Stravinsky |
Vince McMahon had originally suggested porn star and former Trump mistress Stormy Daniels as the guest referee; however, the President was unusually silent, as McMahon's suggestion went ignored.
"I am more responsible for the success of WrestleMania than anybody. In the early days Vince comes to me and begs, 'Please Donald, please, have the event at your casino.' I mean, I feel bad for the guy. Very pathetic and of course, it becomes huge because everything I touch is gold and Vince knows that. Very big event; but, the name is dull. After I beat Vince, I'm thinking Trumpamania is more appropriate and the people agree with me because I'm one of them."
When asked what would be his first order of business as WWE CEO, Trump responded,
"We need to do a better job vetting the wrestlers. Kofi Kingston. Very bad man. Does anyone buy the fake accent? He was Jamaican and now I become President and suddenly he isn't Jamaican anymore. Not buying it. Fake news!"Buckle up wrestling fans, the fun has only just begun and we at Cheap Heat Wrestling would like to take a moment to wish everyone a Happy Easter and a very very very very very Happy April Fool's Day.
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