WRESTLING ROAD TRIP: The Assembly Bar & Cafe - Hoffman Estates, IL

The Assembly had no idea I was a wrestling writer and no idea I was there to do a write up. This was a completely natural and authentic experience.

The Assembly Bar & Café sits in the suburb of Hoffman Estates, IL, just 40 minutes outside of the city of Chicago. Cheap Heat Wrestling took a wresting road trip to what has been described as the best burger joint in all of Chicagoland. We headed to the Assembly for one reason and one reason only: The Bionic Burger. In the same year of the Assembly's Opening (1978) some hungry wrestler named Hulk Hogan visited the establishment. Taking a look at the sizable masterpiece of a burger, Hogan picked it up with two hands and after taking a massive bite said, "This is a bionic burger." The name stuck and from then on the Assembly's culinary masterpiece became known as the Bionic Burger.

Hulk Hogan holding a sad puny burger from some other burger joint

I arrived at the Assembly during their prime dinner hours. The place was packed with hardly a seat open. The mixed fragrances of fried foods greeted me as I entered through the front door. The smells called to me, beckoned to me, like a lost sea pirate surrounded by a sea filled with eager mermaids. Although seating was scarce and at a premium, the hostess asked me to wait just a minute while she found something for me. She returned quickly in about 30 seconds to escort me to my seat. On my way, I passed the bar to see burgers being cooked bar side. The environment was friendly, a lot like Cheers, a place where everybody knows your name and the staff goes head over heels to ensure that feeling; but, not because it's a disingenuous business model. They do it because that's who they genuinely are, authentically warm and loaded with Midwestern charm. The honest hostess told me that the place was packed and I might have to wait a bit for a waitress. Cara, the kindest waitress in the world, arrived in approximately 2 minutes, which is quicker than most waitresses arrive at empty restaurants. Cara was warm, hospitable, smiling, and conversational. I requested the Hulk Hogan burger, with Swiss Cheese and no onions. Onions are somewhere below spiders and just above ISIS on my detestable things list, so definitely no onions ever. Cara responded, "What kind of bun hun?" She is a poet. I am amazed at the selection and her description of each bun causes my mouth to water: there's an old fashioned bun, a pretzel bun which she recommends, and a butter bun, which she highly recommends. I was torn between the pretzel bun and the butter bun. Is it possible to eat two Bionic Burgers? Considering the 6'8" 300 plus pound Hogan described them as Bionic, I highly doubt eating two is a real possibility; however, I was tempted. I reluctantly selected the butter bun and it felt like a divorce between me and the pretzel bun whom I had never even met before. Cara leaves to put the order in.

The Assembly is loaded with giant televisions featuring local teams like the Chicago Cubs and the Chicago White Sox. People converse freely about the baseball games, both at the bar and even from table to table. The atmosphere is more like a giant family dinner than a traditional restaurant. No one minds their business here and nothing feels like an intrusion. One of the succulent 10 oz burgers that was cooking bar-side was my Bionic Burger and I started to fidget in eager anticipation. When the burger arrived, I could not believe my eyes. This was one of the largest burgers I had ever seen, impossible to eat with one hand. The bun was paved generously with butter, making the burger almost slippery; however, the bun was strong enough and thick enough to hold the generous 10 ounces of beef that highlight the inside. The beef was topped with strips of bacon and melted Swiss cheese. I debated cutting the burger in half; but, a real man does not cut his burger in half, right Silas Young? I two handed the burger and stretched my mouth to fit it inside. I was greeted by a combination of flavors that danced about in my orifice like a Michael Flatley show. The burger was well marinated with a combination of spices and flavors that immediately made me ashamed for ever thinking an Outback Burger was worthy of being called "good." This burger puts every other burger I have ever eaten (and I am a huge burger guy) to shame. With each delicious bite, I feel both ashamed for ever liking another burger and excited to meet my mistress, who has allured me from a life of bored burger eating to a new dreamy life with her, my sweet Bionic Burger. Each bite brought new thoughts. The cheese was delicious and obviously fresh. It doidn't take away from the taste. It added to it. The bacon was cooked to absolute perfection and was part of the burger, not apart from it. The buttery bun only added to the flavor and brought everything together perfectly. This Bionic Burger is the perfect burger and I am in love. I only wish she had hands, so we could walk together along a beach. If she had ears, I would whisper sweet nothings to her and then....I would eat her.

The Bionic Burger is big enough for its own zip code

The Bionic Burger should have its own theme music when opened

The Assembly cooks over 1600 burgers per week and has made over 2.5 million burgers since their opening in 1978. One can easily assume they would be burger experts and the culinary ecstasy that is the Bionic Burger proves that such an assumption would indeed be accurate. Cara came back to me, with a knowing smile on her face. She knew that she just served up the best burger of all time. She had the quiet confidence of a waitress proud to don a shirt that states, "Don't eat kale, have a burger." I will never eat kale. I was full; but, Cara went on to recommend dessert. I love carrot cake; but, the beautiful way in which she described the cheesecake had me hung on her every word. "A two layer cheesecake resting on a graham cracker crust. The first layer is cream cheese and the second a sour cream layer. Topped with homemade raspberry sauce, made fresh daily right here at the Assembly." Hands up, I was her willing hostage and I could not help but to order. She smiled again confidently and knew she was about to rock my world, as she strutted to the back to work up heaven's sweetest cake.

The Assembly's mantra: "Don't eat Kale. Have a Burger."

The cheesecake arrived looking like a work of art more suitable to don the walls of Chicago's Art Institute than a delicacy to be destroyed by my gnashing teeth. The raspberry sauce is not carelessly lumped on to the cake; but, swirled onto the cake in careful evenly spaced patterns. After my first bite of cheesecake, I knew that my entire existence was a lie. I had never tasted real cheesecake before...until now. This is cheesecake. This is how it's supposed to taste. Both the sour cream layer and cheesecake layer came together to make a unique flavor that is topped off with the tart raspberry sauce. The graham cracker crust was fresh and held everything together perfectly, for what was honestly one of the best desserts I have ever had. None of the flavors took anything away from the cake; but, all came together to make the cake. As I chewed, I thought, "So this is how the gods dine."

The cheesecake of the gods

Cara came back to my table to let me know that next time I come back (she knows I'm hooked), there are other dishes that are just as good. She recommends the parmesan burger, ribs, fried pickles, and carrot cake. I trust her more than anyone that's ever run for office. I trust her more than my pastor. I trust her more than my mother. Food is our common bond and food makes everyone family at the Assembly. I only wish I could have eaten more.

So wrestling fans, you can take my word for it or you can make the trek to the Assembly on your own to try it for yourself. My advice to the Assembly: get those TVs ready for a whole new audience. We watch RAW on Mondays, Impact on Tuesdays (sometimes), SmackDown on Thursdays, and the WWE Network on any day that ends in a "y." We have huge wrestling sized appetites. We're coming. We're staying and we're never ever leaving.

The Assembly is located at 8750 Hassell Road in Hoffman Estates, IL.